YES i AM STiLL AT http://www.greatestjournal.com/users/_beautiiful/

but jasmine gave me these pictures and i wanted to post them here for fun <33

i've moved to:

http://www.greatestjournal.com/users/_beautiiful/

yeah... no more xanga for me.  but don't worry my loves, i'm still gonna read and comment your xangas.  maybe i'll even update here once in awhile.  well yeah that's it! <3

 "WE WERE MEANT TO LiVE FOR SO MUCH MORE": so here i am 2:00 pm and i'm crying, sitting in front of my computer on a perfectly beautiful day.  2 more weeks of this crap and then i'll be free again... maybe.

i know i've said it a gazillion times already, and i'm going to say it a gazillion times more.  i miss may so much she gets things that NO ONE else ever does.  ever.

me (1:55:07 PM): i don't fit in anywhere really
may (1:55:13 PM): yes you do!
may(1:55:15 PM): with me

... she's so awesome :x i'm the luckiest gurl in the world to have a best friend like her

YEAH okay i should stop whining but FUCK YOU if you're thinking that cuz you don't have to read this shit, you chose to.

i'm tired of trying.  i haven't really cared about anything the past 2 years and now i'm TRYiNG to care about my grades... but it's hard.  it sucks that i keep "failing" now... since i'm trying.  it's really not helping my self esteem at all.  i feel like it was easier not caring about my grades cuz it's like "oh i failed... oh well it's not like i tried to get a good grade in the 1st place".  but now i'm trying and i'm still failing.  that's messed up.  and i've totally fogotten how to study.  i can't bring myself to just sit down and read something.  i can't focus or concentrate.  i feel like i have ADD or something... messed up crap.

bebextc19 (2:12:54 PM): just dont talk to anybody.. lay in bed and watch tv and take a nappie, wake up then do homework. just dont talk to anybody lol

whoa.  it's like 10 minutes later and i'm okay.  hahaha FUCK the bioplarness.

november 11th.  new josh groban cd comes out <33

 "iF iT'S OVER LET iT GO AND COME TOMORROW iT WiLL SEEM SO YESTERDAY": FiRST AND FOREMOST:

today is so freaking hot.  i hate it i hate it.  and i'm mad i wasn't allowed to go to celine's house w/jasmine.  stupid irritating parents.  lalala and youth orchestra started yesterday and it was okay i'm more excited this year than i was last year.  YAY FOR NEW BOYS

 tonight

lalala i'm tired and the shit keeps piling up.  somebody please take me away from here lalalala.  sing my sad song with me :/ things change SO fast it's freaking crazy.

 "i CLOSE MY EYES WHEN i GET TOO SAD": this is gonna be a heartfelt, "insightful", sappy entry.  yeah just as a precaution to you... so you don't have to read it

i know this sounds REALLY stupid, but people make me really sad like REALLY sad.  i mean... strangers, boyfriends, ex boyfriends, friends, family... i seriously cannot name one person that i have become close to and has never hurt me before.  isn't it amazing?  that sometimes you don't even notice that you're hurting someone?  seriously.  sometimes i get hurt by people, and i know they don't mean it intentionally.  and geez, i can only imagine what i do to people w/my inconsiderate actions.

haven't you ever wondered why life just seems to work out for some people and not work out for others?  and how do people get along w/some people and not get along w/others?  and haven't you realized that the people that you used to think were so different from you... you soon come to realize that you guys actually have a lot in common?  or how about people that you thought were like you... but you actually realize how different they are.  isn't that strange?  so are we all alike or different?  or a bit of both?

*sighs*.  i'm a gurl who believes in destiny.  i've never really been superstitious or anything... but i've always somehow believed in fate.  i don't know why.  what can i say?  i'm a hopeless romantic.  there's just something so... beautiful about saying, "we were meant to be." i think feelings and that bond betweeen people shouldn't be seen as a technical thing.  that's why i think fate is such a beautiful thing.  but ahhh... growing up... i've come to realize that fate is not everything.  you cannot rely on destiny to get you anywhere.  you have to make some effort, and then let the pieces fall where they may.

i've always said that i never regretted anything in my life.  oh now things are so different.  i've tried to live my life regret-free.  oh but there ARE so many things i regret now.  i regret not understanding how good i actually had it when i thought my life was fucked up.  MAN... if i knew where i would be today, i would not have messed up the past 2 years this way.  if i had known my best friend was going to leave, i would have treasured each and every day.  but no, i took her presence for granted.  i complained and i cried and i whined over things... that seemed to mean the world to me, but now i see them as meaningless happenings.  seriously.  it's so true.  you don't ever realize what you have until you lose it.

sometimes i think i'm going crazy.  i walk through the school sometimes... and i get SO SCARED.  i start thinking about things, and then i start getting paranoid thinking things like, "WHAT iF SOMEONE iN THE HALLWAYS COULD READ MY MiND?" ...am i crazy?  oh yes.  for sure.  but i'm seeing this world from a whole different perspective now.  i'm getting both sides.  all the feelings i felt the past 2 years, have completely changed.

sometimes i lose interest in everything.  sometimes i think i'm the only one in this cold and lonely world and no one cares.  ... that has got to be THE most loneliest feeling in the world.  sometimes i close my eyes and i try to wash the feeling of "i don't want to live anymore" away.  there hasn't been a day that's gone by for the past 6 weeks that i haven't cried.  and i cry and i cry and i cry.  and then i'm okay again.  then i cry and i cry.... the cycle continues.

but what the HELL am i doing?  i don't understand WHY i feel so... i don't know.  i just feel something's not right and my life is just.............. bland.  i dont' want to waste this year like i have in the past.  i've got great friends here... but the pain won't go away.  but how can i make the pain go away WHEN i DON'T KNOW WHY i AM iN PAiN?  it's a pain i can't explain... sometimes it's not even a pain.  it's just an overwhelming depressing emotion.

... i don't usually write all this in my xanga.  i usually write this in my livejournal where only my friends can see.  but i'm sure somewhere out there, someone's feeling the same thing i am.  so if you're that person, i want you to know that you're not the only person going through this trust me, i'm getting a good share of the pain.