singingmys0ng's Xanga

Monday, September 29, 2003

Mon, 29 Sep 2003 21:42:35 GMT

YES i AM STiLL AT http://www.greatestjournal.com/users/_beautiiful/

but jasmine gave me these pictures and i wanted to post them here for fun <33

hahaha remember the bling bling shirt from macys? HAHAHAA HELL YES

and of course me and jasmine <33 i love you sweetie!

Thursday, September 25, 2003

Thu, 25 Sep 2003 01:06:26 GMT

i've moved to:

http://www.greatestjournal.com/users/_beautiiful/

yeah... no more xanga for me. but don't worry my loves, i'm still gonna read and comment your xangas. maybe i'll even update here once in awhile. well yeah that's it! <3

Tuesday, September 23, 2003

Tue, 23 Sep 2003 20:27:37 GMT

"WE WERE MEANT TO LiVE FOR SO MUCH MORE": so here i am 2:00 pm and i'm crying, sitting in front of my computer on a perfectly beautiful day. 2 more weeks of this crap and then i'll be free again... maybe.

i know i've said it a gazillion times already, and i'm going to say it a gazillion times more. i miss may so much she gets things that NO ONE else ever does. ever.

me (1:55:07 PM): i don't fit in anywhere really
may (1:55:13 PM): yes you do!
may(1:55:15 PM): with me

... she's so awesome :x i'm the luckiest gurl in the world to have a best friend like her

YEAH okay i should stop whining but FUCK YOU if you're thinking that cuz you don't have to read this shit, you chose to.

i'm tired of trying. i haven't really cared about anything the past 2 years and now i'm TRYiNG to care about my grades... but it's hard. it sucks that i keep "failing" now... since i'm trying. it's really not helping my self esteem at all. i feel like it was easier not caring about my grades cuz it's like "oh i failed... oh well it's not like i tried to get a good grade in the 1st place". but now i'm trying and i'm still failing. that's messed up. and i've totally fogotten how to study. i can't bring myself to just sit down and read something. i can't focus or concentrate. i feel like i have ADD or something... messed up crap.

bebextc19 (2:12:54 PM): just dont talk to anybody.. lay in bed and watch tv and take a nappie, wake up then do homework. just dont talk to anybody lol

whoa. it's like 10 minutes later and i'm okay. hahaha FUCK the bioplarness.

november 11th. new josh groban cd comes out <33

Sunday, September 21, 2003

Sun, 21 Sep 2003 23:26:02 GMT

"iF iT'S OVER LET iT GO AND COME TOMORROW iT WiLL SEEM SO YESTERDAY": FiRST AND FOREMOST:

HAPPY 16TH BiRTHDAY MOSES!!!

today is so freaking hot. i hate it i hate it. and i'm mad i wasn't allowed to go to celine's house w/jasmine. stupid irritating parents. lalala and youth orchestra started yesterday and it was okay i'm more excited this year than i was last year. YAY FOR NEW BOYS

tonight

lalala i'm tired and the shit keeps piling up. somebody please take me away from here lalalala. sing my sad song with me :/ things change SO fast it's freaking crazy.

Saturday, September 20, 2003

Sat, 20 Sep 2003 06:48:27 GMT

"i CLOSE MY EYES WHEN i GET TOO SAD": this is gonna be a heartfelt, "insightful", sappy entry. yeah just as a precaution to you... so you don't have to read it

i know this sounds REALLY stupid, but people make me really sad like REALLY sad. i mean... strangers, boyfriends, ex boyfriends, friends, family... i seriously cannot name one person that i have become close to and has never hurt me before. isn't it amazing? that sometimes you don't even notice that you're hurting someone? seriously. sometimes i get hurt by people, and i know they don't mean it intentionally. and geez, i can only imagine what i do to people w/my inconsiderate actions.

haven't you ever wondered why life just seems to work out for some people and not work out for others? and how do people get along w/some people and not get along w/others? and haven't you realized that the people that you used to think were so different from you... you soon come to realize that you guys actually have a lot in common? or how about people that you thought were like you... but you actually realize how different they are. isn't that strange? so are we all alike or different? or a bit of both?

*sighs*. i'm a gurl who believes in destiny. i've never really been superstitious or anything... but i've always somehow believed in fate. i don't know why. what can i say? i'm a hopeless romantic. there's just something so... beautiful about saying, "we were meant to be." i think feelings and that bond betweeen people shouldn't be seen as a technical thing. that's why i think fate is such a beautiful thing. but ahhh... growing up... i've come to realize that fate is not everything. you cannot rely on destiny to get you anywhere. you have to make some effort, and then let the pieces fall where they may.

i've always said that i never regretted anything in my life. oh now things are so different. i've tried to live my life ~~regret-free~~. oh but there ARE so many things i regret now. i regret not understanding how good i actually had it when i thought my life was fucked up. MAN... if i knew where i would be today, i would not have messed up the past 2 years this way. if i had known my best friend was going to leave, i would have treasured each and every day. but no, i took her presence for granted. i complained and i cried and i whined over things... that seemed to mean the world to me, but now i see them as meaningless happenings. seriously. it's so true. you don't ever realize what you have until you lose it.

sometimes i think i'm going crazy. i walk through the school sometimes... and i get SO SCARED. i start thinking about things, and then i start getting paranoid thinking things like, "WHAT iF SOMEONE iN THE HALLWAYS COULD READ MY MiND?" ...am i crazy? oh yes. for sure. but i'm seeing this world from a whole different perspective now. i'm getting both sides. all the feelings i felt the past 2 years, have completely changed.

sometimes i lose interest in everything. sometimes i think i'm the only one in this cold and lonely world and no one cares. ... that has got to be THE most loneliest feeling in the world. sometimes i close my eyes and i try to wash the feeling of "i don't want to live anymore" away. there hasn't been a day that's gone by for the past 6 weeks that i haven't cried. and i cry and i cry and i cry. and then i'm okay again. then i cry and i cry.... the cycle continues.

but what the HELL am i doing? i don't understand WHY i feel so... i don't know. i just feel something's not right and my life is just.............. bland. i dont' want to waste this year like i have in the past. i've got great friends here... but the pain won't go away. but how can i make the pain go away WHEN i DON'T KNOW WHY i AM iN PAiN? it's a pain i can't explain... sometimes it's not even a pain. it's just an overwhelming depressing emotion.

... i don't usually write all this in my xanga. i usually write this in my livejournal where only my friends can see. but i'm sure somewhere out there, someone's feeling the same thing i am. so if you're that person, i want you to know that you're not the only person going through this trust me, i'm getting a good share of the pain.

Friday, September 19, 2003

Fri, 19 Sep 2003 03:49:39 GMT

Currently Playing: Have a Little Faith in Me, Mandy Moore

"JUST LET MY LOVE THROW A SPARK": yesyes i don't have much time to talk since i have tons of tests tomorrow etc etc. but OKAY eric had the ingenious idea of starting a chamber music group at tino! AHHHH i'm excited! hahahaha and umm SO if you play the cello and you attend tino, could you PLEASE tell me? we're looking for a cello player... RAWR

hahahaha oh the things i have for cello players :x *COUGHS* anyways. that's all my sweethearts! i'm excited for tomorrow even though i've got so many tests and shit. but YAY friday baby! life's gonna be okay because of HiM!!!!!!!! <33 and my friends FA SHO!!!!

Monday, September 15, 2003

Mon, 15 Sep 2003 20:42:26 GMT

"EVERYONE i KNOW GOES AWAY iN THE END": wow i survived the weekend. shit i was THiS CLOSE to not making through it. i'm serious. i just wanted to roll over and die. but i'm okay now i feel like a new person!... kinda. well, violin wise i do HAHAHA. that's how i feel after a huge audition like that. i feel like such a huge burden has been lifted off of me. i don't understand why i play the violin when i hate it so much. and i don't play cuz my parents make me. i play because... it's a part of me. whether i like it or not :/ in fact, in just about 1/2 an hour, i have to go to san francisco again today for my violin lesson. whoo fucken whoo. 4 days in a row for violin. yay.

i feel like an idiot. i thought last night's was a new episode -_- yeah well i am an idiot :/ but not as idiotic as the person may called HAHAHA. i remember that time :x good times good times.

AND HOLY SHiT iN YOUR PANTS MOFO!!!! iS ON TONiGHT!!!! OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG GREGORY OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ONLY MY DREAM COME TRUE <33 i love him so much ahahahaha it's CRAZAY! he's like one of the rare guys i like that's my age... well... 19's not exactly my age but CLOSE ENOUGH. is it MY FAULT i looooooooooooove older guys? :x

YEAH OKAY ATTENTiON PEOPLES: i work at the snack bar now... the one on the inside? so yeah... if you're thinking about visiting me, i won't be outside anymore i'm kinda upset about it! i like working outside...................... i like... never mind. hah. but yeah so i work at the other place now

ahh i'm so confused. i get into these bitchy moods when i'm actually like... not really? FUCK i dunno. dude i was so mean to moses over the weekend... crazy shit. hahaha i'm sorry! and i felt extra double bad since moses came up to me today at lunch to ask if i was okay BLAHHHHHH. and no it's no tthat time of the month -_- i just have so much going on and i have all these mixed feelings inside me and i swear to God i have no clue what's going on. like i don't know what's bothering me. and i don't really have a chance to slow down and think about it cuz life's so crazy like that. that's all my loves. buh-bye <33

haha yes i do make my own blinkies

Sunday, September 14, 2003

Sun, 14 Sep 2003 00:17:06 GMT

"and if i could hold on, through the tears and the laughter": ARGH FUCK i'm like THiS close to killing myself. i absolutely terrified of tomorrow. i feel like the walls are closing in on me, but oh of course it's all my fault since it's me who caused my own mess -_- SHiT but i am seriously on the verge of breaking. FUCK tomorrow's D-Day...................... i'm not gonna be able to sleep tonight i just keep telling myself it's just about 15 minutes of hell. isn't amazing how just 15 minutes of your life could change your whole life? well... it's freaking true.

okay... to think POSiTiVELY yesterday was pretty okay i guess. people in the lit honors class got to dress up "outrageous" haha. mines didn't work! no one really thought it was outrageous, except for john who said, "WHOA iT'S NOT PiNK!" hahaha. celine lent me her one strap bright green tank top and i have a bright green skirt so it worked out... PLUS i have bright green slippers haha good stuff. ansel's outfit was out there. whoaaa the shoes. ahahah anna tried to be gangsta... keyword: TRiED. victoria wore our miller p.e. uniforms... HAHAHA that brought back great memories and whoa david and tom. FiELD HOCKEY SKiRTS? it was so nasty. in lit, david showed me way too much legs. *shudders* and tom was changing into his skirt right next to me... *MAJOR SHUDDAGE*

working was okay yesterday too. at lunch some band was playing... i felt kinda bad for them cuz there was barely anyone there. but hey, that's what musicians have to deal with. not everyone is always gonna listen to your music... yeah. heh. haha but i had fun working at lunch cuz tons of people dropped by to say hi that always makes my day! haha and blue whale tried to grab my head but he wasn't successful. but he was later on -_- and paul and his gangsta outfit... HOLLA! hahaha *shakes head*.

so in history, moses was standing near our door or something, and i heard someone yell out about him wearing a skirt or something so after class i went to the library took look for him but i couldn't find him but he promised me yesterday he would wear it again for me

yeah well off to count the minutes before i kill myself. har har. OH BY THE WAY this heat is killing me already. i hate being hot. >:O

Thursday, September 11, 2003

Thu, 11 Sep 2003 23:36:35 GMT

God Bless the victims of 9-11 and their families. Our prayers are with you and may your loved ones rest in peace. I'm proud to be an American
where at least I know I'm free,
And I won't forget the men who died
who gave that right to me,
And I gladly stand up next to you
and defend her still today,
'Cause there ain't no doubt I love this land
God Bless the U.S.A.

CLiCK HERE TO HEAR MY VOiCE

Wednesday, September 10, 2003

Wed, 10 Sep 2003 00:57:24 GMT

"why didn't I know what I know now": fresh choice today! hahaha i was going w/john and moses and whoever else john was taking and so i went to the business room to look for john! hahaha and moses wouldn't lemme in the stupid room! >:O but he finally let me in hahaha and jason was like, "OH YOU'RE GONNA SiT ON HiS LAP" hahaha um NO i don't think so hahaha but i was gonna sit on jason's lap HAHAHAHA KEEDiNG. and then FBLA was playing some weirdass music ahahhaaha and moses started "grooving".... oh what a scary sight. *shudders*. hahahaha keeding!

finally we left! hahaha and i gave celine and zoonie hugs! and moses and eric were being difficult and saying how they weren't going *rolls eyes* BUT AHA i convinced them! hahaha maybe not but they decided to go anyways hahaha. and then the crazy buttheads decided to RUN to fresh choice haha sure okay whatever.

so me, john, jason, and matt went to john's car and we drove to fresh choice... HAHAHAHA OH MAN MOSES AND ERiC BEAT US HAHAHA. but they jaywalked and this policeman on a motorcycle saw them... thank God he didn't give 'em a ticket! and so me and matt went to the trunk to get some stuff and omg i hit my head soooooooooooo HARD ON THE FUCKEN TRUNK THiNGY. SON OF A BiTCH *mutter mutter*

yeah yeah and i got like some lettuce hahaha and yeah and then i sat down to eat. hahaha good stuff. we went around saying good things about rishvika and then rishvika came to talk w/us and i think it ended up being paul, The, risvhika, and me talking while everyone else was doing their own thing... UNTiL PAUL SCARED RiSHViKA AWAY. ahahahha but she came back for me oh and i think rishvika found out what she wanted to find out from last last sunday thanks to The who mentioned the stupid bet! >:O

i really missed may today i wish she was there w/us....... :/ mew. yeahhhhhhh. *sighs*.

my head hurts soooo much from hitting it on john's trunk :x